What If

The family is in year 12. It sounds like a long time but, it has gone by so quickly. It has gone by in a blink and I can’t seem to slow it down. As much as I’d like time to slow life continues. Funny, as hard as I try to stop time it just ticks on.

One of the things we agreed to as a family was that we would not “what if” Brian’s death. We would not dwell on the things that we did or did not do or the things we could have done. It was critical to the health of the family and personally. It kept away the scourge of blame, it has helped us to remain strong together.

Interestingly, it is hitting me now – why? I think of how things might be different if, ….. It doesn’t consume me but, every now and then it invades my thoughts. It’s poison, rots your soul. I think that it is something that I need to address, something I need to contemplate and work through. As I do, I realize our agreement was good. We have to endure within the circumstances we lived, not circumstances that may have been. Within our lived experiences, real, honest events, what ifs have no meaning. They just don’t matter because, the reality is that Brian is gone. The reality is that the pain is real. The reality is that I am surrounded by loved ones who deserve my love, pure, unlimited, unconditional and untainted. That’s where my focus needs to be.

Putting the words on paper heals – I am grateful for this opportunity.