Don’t let the Pain fade

I haven’t posted in over a year. It’s a confusing phase I’m suffering through right now. Not one I read about or one that others have shared with me. It’s scary, a phase I don’t like. I can’t pinpoint the exact issue and maybe that is a contributor to my hesitancy to write. If I had to identify my reluctance it seems to spawn from a number of emotions. I have a fear that my memories are fading as is the pain.

I’ll try to explain. The memories I have of Brian remain strong and vivid. Where I struggle is that every year I build memories with my daughters and my grand-kids. They’re wonderful and I treasure them. But, as I add more and more I become more aware that I’m not creating any new memories of Brian and that makes me sad. Additionally, writing them down confirms this stagnation. No new memories confirms that Brian won’t be coming back, confirms that he’s gone. Memories seemed to generate an illusion for me that perhaps tomorrow Brian would come home – he won’t and I know that. I just wanted to hold onto that belief as long as I could. Over this past year that notion has slowly faded away. I’m not going to build new memories of Brian so I must treasure the one’s I have.

The second aspect of my reluctance is the withering of my pain. It’s a funny thing and one that would be difficult to understand unless you have suffered a similar pain. It’s a pain that is so deep and so intense that when your in the midst of it the object of the pain feels close – in other words, when experiencing the pain of the loss of Brian I feel nearer to him. It’s a crazy thing but, it’s real. So, as the pain starts to wane so does the sense that Brian is close. How can I stay close to him otherwise?

I don’t want my son to be gone. I want to build memories with him but, I can’t. So, I hold onto the pain – I need to. I need to hold on as long as I can. The reality though, is that the pain is fading and I am apprehensive of what that will bring. No one told me about this and I don’t like it.