Sisters

24 Dec 2020

Important Things

When a loved one dies, family members and friends tend to attach themselves to physical things that reminds them of someone they loved. It doesn’t have to be big, a hat, a shirt, some jewelry.

 

 

Because Brian was an addict, he had no possessions. Anything of value was pawned or traded. When he died he left a handful of clothes and thats about it. My Dad kept Brians watch, I kept a pair of his shoes, Danielle kept his denture cream (he had a fake tooth) We didn’t have much of anything but what we do have is important to us, because it belonged to our Bri guy.

 

 

One thing we do have though are “writings”. Poems, lyrics, little jokes, notebooks, scraps of papers, backs of math sheets, filled with his thoughts. Brian had a way with words. These papers, were just small scribbles for Brian, shoved in a drawer in his closet, but to us they hold so much meaning.

14 FEB 2019

Don’t Leave Me

“it’s been so long without you i feel myself losing you. today i spent an hour looking at a picture of you in a state of such confusion. were you ever real? as the years go on i feel like you being alive was a dream. when did i last hug you? i’m so lost. i miss you. what did your voice sound like? can i hear it please tonight when i dream? can you come hold me tonight? how am i supposed to go on for the rest of my life like this? asking these questions and getting no response. looking at photos of you and being so confused about what was real and what is the “new normal” i find to be like a dream. i don’t want to lose you. i could stare at this picture for hours upon hours and it hurts just the same as the day dad told me you were gone. please don’t leave me. “

3 SEP 2018

A dream that literally changed my life:

On a hot summer night I drifted to sleep not knowing that this sleep would change the course of my life and my heart.

I beg God every day to show me my brother, to let me hear his voice. It doesn’t always happen but when it does there is substantial purpose behind it. So, here’s how the dream went:

I was lying in a hospital room staring at a heart monitor. My Mom and Dad were there and the look on their faces was so unsettling. Something was wrong. Then I heard the doctor say that I had a rare heart condition and unfortunately I was going to die. He did not know when or really how to explain it but the bottom line was that I was going to die. I put my hand over my heart and I could feel it beating faster and faster. Then in an instance I looked at my parents and I felt my heart stop. I was dead. Then there he was. Standing in front of me was my big brother. Then he started to speak, my heart still not beating, he started to talk to me. He said “Hey next time you and Joel come and see me will you bring me a Pacifico? They’re really hard to come by up here and I’ve been on a waiting list for a while.” Then I woke up, my heart beating again.

In what could have been this profound moment where my brother could have given me amazing life advice from beyond the grave he asks for some cheap Mexican beer. This floored me, I was in awe! How playful! It was my brother reminding me that he wants my life to be playful. He was telling me to get my ass down to see him to have a beer and a good conversation, he always loved conversation. This was in fact profound for me, this moved mountains in my heart. To hear his voice in such a playful way was beyond amazing. I will hold onto that dream so tightly. I pray and hope that all who are grieving get to experience this feeling and that they share it with others grieving.

27 August 2018

Music and birthdays:

Have you ever heard a song and instantly felt, or remembered. Every time I listen to music I feel. I feel my brother. I can smell him and hear him. My big brother and I did not have similar taste in music. He bought me my first Auxiliary cord for my car just so he wouldn’t have to listen to any of my CD’s. Despite this I feel him. When I turn my music up so loud the entire world is drowned out, I feel him. I laugh sometimes when I feel it, thinking of how my brother would make some sarcastic pass at my choice in tunes.

Let me take you back to when I first felt it. A couple months after Brian died it was the first nice day in the spring. I walked across my college campus letting the sun hit my face. With my headphones in it was like I was the only one on a campus of thousands. See I had been screaming at God, “Why can’t I hear him?” Why can’t I feel him?” I was searching and begging God for anything, even just the slightest whisper so I could hear my brother again. It was in that moment when I started laughing, smiling, dancing again on a campus of thousands. My headphones blasting music that Brian would hate, it was the first time that I felt him after he died. The first time that I felt my big brothers hands in mine. I forget every day that I can find him there and it’s not until certain songs come on that make me turn up the volume that I remember. God I wish I could feel it all the time.

I just had my birthday, and despite so many wonderful people in my life I hate the day. My brother lived 22 years on this earth and I am now 2 years beyond that. Never did I think that I would live on this earth longer than him. I try so hard to accept the celebration and love but I hate the fact of it. It’s like a million pounds on my shoulders that I let push me down. Oh how I wish he was here. Does anybody else know this feeling? I know I’m not alone. The people in my life who love me let me know and tell me all these wonderful things about who I am and how loved I am and yet I still can’t get passed being older than my brother.

Despite this feeling that I have I know that I need to accept joy. I know that for my family, for my brother, and for myself I need to accept the realities of this life I live and choose to love it. It’s not easy and there are a lot of days when that seems so unattainable but if I trust in the Lord the weight doesn’t seem so heavy. There is no timeline with grief. Nobody tells you that, nobody talks about that. There’s a misconception that you feel it and then just get over it. Why don’t people talk about this pain and how we will feel it every day? This life is so confusing and this journey throws curveballs every day. All I can do is remember that day walking across campus and hold tightly to what I know is true. I will see my brother again. We’ll dance and we’ll laugh and we’ll feel none of the hurt we’ve ever felt on this earth. Oh how I can’t wait for that day. If you’re grieving please talk, we need to be there for each other.

27 August 2018