You can’t hide

I was surprised when I realized that it’s been months since I posted. I reflected on perhaps why that was and I found that I was trying to run away, trying to hide. Hide from what? Death. For so much of my life I wasn’t confronted by death. It clearly was one of life’s absolutes but it wasn’t something that I had to deal with. Then POW, and since then it has been relentless. I was looking for relief, for times where I wouldn’t meet death head on. Not sure what I was thinking, it proved futile.

It started with my Dad. Then we had to put our dog down and anyone who has or has had a pet knows that that isn’t an easy thing to do. Then my Mom – she lived a phenomenal life and had decided she was done once my Dad died. What sucked was watching her deteriorate. A horrible and emotional phase. The evening she died she was so peaceful, continuously seeking out a loving touch. It hurt having to let them go but, I was comforted in the hope that we would someday be reunited in heaven.

In May we learned that friends of ours lost their son, Travis. And then just the other week we learned that friends of ours had lost their 4 year old grandson. The tragedy of loosing a child cannot be underestimated. My heart aches for these parents and grand parents.

Yesterday we attended the memorial service for Travis. It hurt and I didn’t do well. Not only was I saddened by the lose of this beautiful young man but, I also hurt for the family especially the parents. It was like looking in the mirror and all the emotions came rushing back. The why’s and the what ifs all those questions that do nothing and serve only to crush one’s spirit. Travis was a brilliant man who shined light on all those around him. The venue was packed and each of those people had wonderful, loving stories to share. How does it happen that these young people leave us so early? What always strikes me is that they still had so much life left, so much still to do. Yet, it’s not to be, the lyrics remain unfinished, paintings half done, the snowboard hangs on its hooks, and the clothes collect dust in the closet. Death comes to all yet the ones left behind are the ones that have to manage life in the face of that reality.

I will not be able to hide from the inevitability of death. I feel like I have wasted time. I have to accept that death will be and is an integral part of life. My obligation therefor is to prepare myself for those times and make myself available to support where I can. I need to be part of reality and not try to live in a fantasy. It doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the life I have been given to live. It just means, that in living, I have to deal with death in a healthy way and that I can provide support in a way that others will need. I can’t hide, I shouldn’t hide.