It’s been a rough week. My father-in-law died last weekend. It’s sad. He died of Alzheimer’s which is such a horrible disease. you have to watch your loved one deteriorate not just physically but, also mentally. Over the past few years we watched as Pops slowly started to forget names and long held memories. We watched as he tried to find the words to explain a thought but it would never come. He survived polio, he survived Vietnam and he survived the daily dangers that are part of American life. While we lived with his decline the end came quickly. Much more quickly than any of us expected.
One of the saddest aspects of his death is that he was alone. We had to call 911 and he was admitted to the hospital. He was in hospital for over a week before he was transferred to hospice. Once he got into the hospital the family was locked out. Because of the social restrictions forced on so many we were unable to be with him. We couldn’t sit by his side, hold his hand and talk with him. No humanity was allowed. What I find ironic is that once he died we were able to go in and see him. We were allowed to sit with him once he didn’t need anything any more. For what, what purpose did these restrictions serve ….. I am suffering with deep resentment, which makes the hurt unhealthy.
So, the family today lives not only with the death of a loved one but, we get to carry with us for the rest of our lives the bitterness of not being able to say good-bye the way he deserved. It truly is sad and it is happening all over this country. At some point I hope that I will look back and know that it was necessary, I doubt it though.
When my son died he was physically alone but, he knew and understood that he wasn’t alone. He knew that there were so many that loved him and he knew there was a strong support network for him to turn to at any time. Pops didn’t have that. He didn’t know because he no longer had the faculty to comprehend. What he could understand was a gentle voice and gentle touch – both of these were denied him. I still get mad when I think of my son but, I can understand that anger and it is constructive. Right now what I feel about the circumstances of Pops’ death is something I struggle to understand. I don’t think I’ll be able to reconcile the reasons for a very long time.
I’m sad. I miss Pops, I miss my son.
Beautiful Blue Sky 