Meltdown

I thought I was doing so good, Was keeping it together, got through the Christmas and new year seasons, keeping my emotions in check, supporting all those I love. Got on a plane for a business trip and wham! I cried for three hours straight. I tried to make sense of it all. The whys and the what ifs. It’s a downward spiral once your in that zone. It’s tough to pull out of the impending crash and it can be daunting. You never know how much it’s going to hurt and how long it will it will take to recover. You know it’s coming and yet you can’t do anything about it.

This was just the start of my trip and I couldn’t shed the blues until I got home. Caused me to think – maybe I didn’t want to shake the blues, maybe it was ok to allow myself some hurt, some deep reflection. Maybe it was good. I’ve said it before that I’m ok with the pain and the sorrow and perhaps the lesson for me is that I shouldn’t work so hard to keep my stuff together, as it relates to my Brian. As long as I don’t wallow in the misery it’s therapeutic. I need to do a better job of embracing without letting it consume me and those around me.

On a side note, an interesting observation is that my patience for and acceptance of humanity is stressed when I’m in one of these phases. When I’m in that state of mind I struggle with people, their badness seems to be magnified and the trivialities of life seem to be more clear. My societal filter is removed and our shortcomings are laid bare. Unfiltered humanity is an ugly thing and I am so thankful I have known boundaries within which I should live my life.

Weeks like these also reinforce what I knew about needing a network. Needing people around me who will support me and who can empathize with me. I just can’t imagine trying to do this on my own. I’m not strong enough.

I will lean on those that love me and will wait for my next meltdown. I will be thankful for those that have been placed in my path and I will be thankful for my painful reminders.