New year (?) …….

I haven’t added a new post in months and it hurts. I have found it therapeutic. It’s alone time and quiet time. Time I spend reflecting on Brian and how he impacted me and how he impacted the family. Not sitting down and taking that time makes me feel cheated. I suppose it just happens and that there are things in life that we need to be intentional about. If we’re not they slip away. Also, I confess that I like many of my older posts better and I worry that as I write new ones that persons new to Blue Sky won’t go back and read those. They are less filtered, less tempered by time. They have a raw truth which I appreciate. It’s a truth that comes from deep within one’s soul. A truth which can’t be challenged.

This year we had a major change in family conditions when we moved my parents closer to us in early October. It was time consuming, still is, but important to do. That, added to Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I was consumed. Consumed with day to day things. Some of which I’m sure I could have done without.

I feel especially cheated as this time of year is so difficult for the family. Thanksgiving was Brian’s favorite day and time of year. He enjoyed the day so very much and especially enjoyed the feast his mother prepared each year. He loved turkey with gravy and would eat the leftovers all day long. It was typical to come down stairs in the morning and to see a dirty plate in the sink knowing that Brian had a midnight snack, a turkey and gravy sandwich. His mother would make an extra smaller turkey just so Brian could have leftovers. I often wonder why Brian liked Thanksgiving so much and believe it was because it was so family oriented but without the stresses of giving and getting presents. This year my wife made another great feast and we had friends and family around the table. The big difference is that we send most of our leftovers home with others. Our refrigerator is less full than in previous years and every time I open the frig door I know why, and it pains.

Christmas was challenging, as it has been the past four years. You have all the stresses associated just because it’s Christmas and to boot, we deal with the reality that our Brian is gone . We started a tradition to help us through these times where we, our immediate family, meet at Brian’s grave on the  24th and talk. We have a Starbucks or a beer and we talk about Brian, we talk about how we feel and we talk about others we’ve lost. It is helpful to know we share similar grief and that we are not alone. One of the hardest parts of this day is seeing the pain in my wife and daughters. They miss Brian soooooo much and there’s nothing I can do. Also, I see how it impacts my son-in-laws and I see how the depth of this type of loss sends shock waves through the entire family. When it’s all said and done though it is good that we have this time together. We’re not alone and talking about our loss helps heal. I wouldn’t want to try and do this alone. It’s too damn hard.

They say that time heals all. I have found that to be true for the most part. But I would add that while healed the scar that was left remains and how we deal with that lasting reminder is different for all. The scar on my soul will never go away and that scar has changed me in profound ways.

While a new year begins in reality nothing, nothing has changed. I miss my Brian. I wish I could have shared a glass of champagne with him for the New Year. I know my wife and daughters wish similar things. It’s not going to happen, that’s our scar. It’s a scar we have chosen not to ignore but rather accept that it is part of who we are today. We have chosen to support each other and remember our Brian. We comfort each other and will again work together to make it through the coming year. We will listen and not belittle the grief. And most importantly, we will love each other.