Neglect

This Spring has been somewhat of an eye opener for me. As I worked to get my sprinkler system up and running I came to the realization that my lawn was dead. Getting my sprinkler system going wasn’t going to revive it. It needed more than just water, it needed care. I asked myself, how did it get this way and quickly came to the conclusion it ended up this way because of neglect. Three plus years of neglect.

I took away two primary insights from this. First, I’m not doing as well as I thought I was. The fog is still there perhaps just not as thick. In a way this is more difficult than during the first year after losing Brian. In the early times I knew I was struggling, I knew I needed support and needed to provide support. Now I think I’m doing good and assume those around me are doing good. In fact I’m not and I believe my assumption about others is wrong. I have loved ones who are hurting and they need me. I can’t let the absence of thick fog fool me into thinking that all is sunny. Not that I have to dwell in misery, absolutely not. But I need to be conscience of my limitations to be able to take this on alone and acknowledge the needs of those around me who have to work through the same heartaches. My days are better and they keep getting better. I just need to remember that there are people who will help me and there are those that I can help. Knowing that there is fog will help to focus better on finding a safe and wondrous path.

Second, neglect can sneak up on you. It may not be intentional it may just happen. I didn’t decide three years ago to kill my grass, it just happened because I didn’t pay attention. It’s a transferable lesson to other areas of my life. I have to nurture those things that are important to me and don’t expect them to just happen. Family and my relationships therein are important and I need to approach them with intent. Friends are important, my job, adventure….. most important though is my walk with my God. While he continues to pursue me I can’t sit back and expect the relationship to flourish if I spend more time on the couch and less time with Him.

I ask myself if I neglected my relationship with Brian. Thankfully I can say no. In fact, trying to shape my relationship with Brian and the attention he received from me resulted in unintentional neglect with respect to my wife and girls. I can see that now and it hurts. I’m not sure, that in that time, I could have done it any other way. Brian consumed my being. I wanted to rescue him, I wanted to shoot pool and listen to music with him, I wanted to talk with him. Funny, I wanted those same things with my wife and daughters, I don’t think I told them. They know now but, did they know then?

I love my family so dearly. I can’t imagine where I would be without them. Our lives have been transformed by the storm brought on by Brian’s death. A “silver lining” perhaps, is an acute awareness of how important my family is to me. I appreciate the nudges that I routinely get to help me maintain focus where it needs to be. In this case I have opted to not let neglect to destroy my loves. I have opted to look within the fog and find the path that has been set for me. I will not neglect my God, my family, my friends, ………