Happy Birthday!

Today is Brian’s birthday. He would have been 26. I miss him! This day is hitting me so much harder than I had anticipated. I thought I was doing pretty good. I thought I was emotionally better prepared. But, one minute I’m fine and the next I’m sitting behind the wheel of my car tears streaming down my face. It feels good but oh so helpless.

I was sitting with my wife this morning eating breakfast and we were talking about Brian. We reminisced and talked about when he was the happiest. All in all he was a happy person. He made friends easily, if they were open minded, and he had good strong friendships. He had a grand world vision. It is perhaps this grand vision that contributed to his frustrations. See we live in a small mountain town in Colorado where the people see life through a soda straw. Their life experiences are so small that they can’t appreciate, let alone understand, the adventures that Brian had been on.

He had a grand vision for his life also. He was going to touch people through film and music, well rap. Reading through his lyrics I know that he would have been successful. They are complex and at times quite harsh but, they are real. They speak of the world today – a mess but of the potential in hope. He also wrote a number of screen plays, shorts. They are quite good. My favorite was the story of a drug addict. It was personal, harsh and crass and it told a real story. He had a couple producers that wanted to make the film but their conditions would have watered down the reality Brian was trying to portray. He insisted that it be made as written as that was fact, that was life and that was addiction. In the end they couldn’t come to terms. This experience is a snap-shot of how things have gone wrong in our society. It is the juxtaposition of truth and fantastical reality.

Brian chose not to fool himself with fantasy understanding that in life there are ups and downs. He chose to live life to its fullest. He understood that his addiction limited life’s potential. That is why he worked so hard to fight it. The demons however wouldn’t release him. I have said it before but he did not want this. He had plans. The Lord however had different plans. While I so wish it could have been different I am thankful for the Lord’s vision. He sees things we can’t. I accept that the Lord works all things to our good and he did that for Brian.

Happy birthday my Brian! I love you and I miss you. I so look forward to the day we are standing around the pool table discussing something cool.

Thank you Lord for guarding our Brian!!