Pain

James 1: 2-4 – Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

For the past 30 years I have been in pain, physical pain. I don’t want to make this more than it is as there are so many people that suffer far more than I do. I have good days and bad ones and over the years have learned to manage the pain so I can have a good quality of life day in and day out. I understand this physical pain. Where it comes from, what brings it on and how intense it can be. I even understand how my God uses this pain for my benefit.

I will tell you though, if you combined all the pain that I have had in my lifetime it would still be far short of the pain I experience having lost my son. Initially, this pain is debilitating. You’re in a fog where every action requires significant focus and seems to be an unbearable chore. Decisions weigh so heavy and you wonder why do I need to decide this. Can’t we just let things happen. Please, just please stop asking me things. I can’t remember how long this phase lasted but I am thankful it is over. Not only did it impact my ability and desire to function each day it kept me from grieving.

Today the pain, while still there, is far more tolerable. Like my physical pain it is there each day and I have good and bad days. Unlike my physical pain it is difficult to anticipate when I am going to have a bad, perhaps really bad day. I can’t pin point what brings it on or how intense it’s going to be. It can make things difficult at times.

A final note, don’t get me wrong, the pain is unbearable especially at first but, I don’t want the pain of losing my Brian to go away. I want it to be there and I want to feel it. I want it to drive me to my knees every now and then and I want it to cause me to cry at unexpected times. It does a number of things for me. One, it causes me to think about my son and I find I treasure those moments. Second, it reminds me that I am a work in progress and there is a lot of work yet to be done. Finally, the pain strengthens my hope.

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