It was mid-January 2015. We were three or four weeks from Brian’s death. It was a cold January and it seemed that it was always dark. I was back at work but, would try and get in really early so I could be alone for the first two or three hours. I just couldn’t face people. In fact I had a strong dislike for most people. It was a truly weird phase.
I was on my way to work around 5AM. It had snowed a bit the day before and the roads were quite icy. I was on a back country road coming down hill when my headlights caught a small bunny running across the road. I touched my brakes and very quickly realized that I didn’t want to do that as I went into a gentle skid. I let go the brakes and steered straight down the hill. It appeared that the bunny was going to make it across the road, which was a relief. But then it stopped, looked at me and turned back into my path. I ran it over. I was crushed and in fact was angry. Why? Why did that have to happen. I didn’t want to kill that bunny. It had done nothing wrong. It was pure and innocent and I murdered it. What did that make me?
I think about that day quite often and I wonder what it all means. I have found that there are so many ways to interpret this experience. In context though it seemed to be a statement of life. I ask myself what the bunny represented and what the car represented. Then there was me, the driver, how did I fit in.
So, here is the interpretation I most lean towards. My car is life. Life moves forward, for the most part, and is impacted by external conditions which are neither good nor bad but, influence where life goes. The driver is me. In life I can think I am in control but in reality I am not. I can push on the gas or the brakes, turn left or right however, life will take me where it wants to go. The bunny represents times where life just steamrolls you. Intentions can be good, you can do everything right. In the end though the outcome is nothing like what you wanted and you feel horrible. Helplessness, anger, doubt, guilt, rage and so much more just rush in and turn you upside down.
I’m not in control. I am so thankful for that. I can only tell you that life would be so much more worse if I was in control and things worked the way I wanted them to. Not that I am a bad guy it’s just I can’t account for all the secondary, tertiary, …. outcomes that result from a single action. Who can account for the butterfly effect?
My God can. What does that do for me? It gives me confidence that Brian’s death had a purpose. While I may never understand it in this lifetime one day I will see the entire jigsaw puzzle and will in wondrous awe be overjoyed.
Beautiful Blue Sky 